no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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