my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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