Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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