Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
