The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just google imaged poop.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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