True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Of course I have a pirate flag
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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