One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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