the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
