I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
