genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
