I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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