I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
