someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
