Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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