So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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