trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
