I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
