Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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