It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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