wanna go halves on a baby?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
