I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
