Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
