i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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