I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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