I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He is an equal opportunity slut.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
