Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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