i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Is Oprah even human
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
