He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
