Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
