Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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