I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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