mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
