This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
