Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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