sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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