Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
