Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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