Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
