did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
