Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
