NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Ladies don't puke and tell
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
