Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
