My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
