No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
