I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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