Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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