It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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