Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Need sex. Gaining weight.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
