he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
