i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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